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Don’t Move To Los Angeles! There Are Much Better Places To Live.

Don't Move To Los Angeles Downtown Los Angeles I'm Yours

Are you going to move to Los Angeles? Do you know anyone who recently relocated and, despite the weather, are still like, “WTF: this isn’t as cool as I thought it was supposed to be.”? Well, the reason why that is the case is because Los Angeles is not that cool. It is a city that is so overhyped and overworked and—overall—over-saturated. You moved here hoping for an entire city that was The Mission or Williamsburg and—What?—you got Autopia with decent tacos. For crying out loud: New York City has better tacos! The New York Times said so!!!

Also, sheesh, the weather: it’s too hot. It’s January and there hasn’t been a day under fifty degrees. What kind of bullshit is that?? If you want snow, forget about that: there is no weather. Moreover, there is no rain. If you want either of those—namely snow—you need to drive like an hour outside of the city and then be on a mountain like Big Bear or Lake Arrowhead. Have you been there? Those places are cold and small and not cities and, while kind of close, it’s like a weekend trip. Who wants to go on a weekend trip? Not you, dude. Not you! Palm Springs is kind of cool.

That’s another thing: C A R S. Cars. Why with all the cars???? You get to be by yourself and you are like in there for a while and have to drive on scary highways. Yes, those highways that Buzzfeed loves to talk about. They suck! There’s no place to park, especially Downtown. More on that place later.

Want to carpool? Forget about it. Want to walk? Fuck, no one does that. Biking is also deadly, in case you were wondering. Who rides the subway here? Is there even a subway?? You don’t even want to know. I heard from a friend that one time she rode the subway and then got on a bus and a homeless man pooped and then called her “the white devil.” Ugh. Why?? And gross.

Also gross: apartments. When they aren’t old and like some washed up grandma actress used to live there, they are too new and too big and cost too much. Also, like, if you heard that Highland Park is cool it isn’t really cool because there is only like one or two cool strips to walk down and a few places to shop and, unless you like Mexican food, you shouldn’t live there. And Eagle Rock? It might as well be in San Francisco it’s so far from civilization. Also, seriously, between us: Auntie Em’s and Oinkster are way overrated. You have to stand in some long ass line and part of it was outside and the parking is kind of terrible and if you wanted to take a bus or bike it would take a long time and the food is good (but that’s not the point). Just listen: everywhere in LA is too expensive now. So don’t live there.

Despite what you’ve heard, Abbot Kinney isn’t cool. There are hippies and families and all these like really commercial brands there now, which is surprising because you’d think it was some sort of hip mecca. It’s not though! Unless you are some preppy pretentious douche who wants to shop at Jack Spade and Steven Alan and eat at some place called “Gjelina.” How do you even say that???

Downtown? Ugh. Don’t get that started. A destination? Best food? Maybe but there aren’t enough Umami’s and if you want to walk from The Ace to like Bäco Mercat—which is supposed to be good but I don’t know how to say that—then that takes a long time. There’s no place to eat near The Ace, except for some place called Alma—but why go there? Just go to LA Chapter. Just know that Two Boots is great since, as we know, the pizza we like is way overrated. Why does everyone say that Downtown is supposed to be just like a real city?? That place isn’t: it’s spread out and there are a lot of weird people there and there is a Yard House. Ew. You could shoot an episode of Girls there. Or in Silver Lake! Silver Lake is cool. You have to go to Mohawk General Store. Best selection of clothes in town and you should also go to Forage too since they have like really, really, really fresh food. That’s the only place I’ve liked so far, living here.

Here’s the thing: there aren’t real people here. They’re hard to find! You can go walk around places but no one will talk to you (if they do, they’re trying to be fake nice or something). There are like a million cities here and it’s impossible to find them because no one wants to tell you about them and the people who do want to tell you are like way too excited about it, like they made that part of town or something. That doesn’t even make any sense! Again, the weather is nice but this city is not. I haven’t even mentioned the ghetto places, which there are a lot of (just go to like Echo Park and parts of Silver Lake and even Hollywood and Downtown and Venice Beach and West Hollywood and Highland Park and Eagle Rock and all of The Valley and everything under Highway 10). (Also, by “ghetto” I mostly mean Latino so, if you can speak Spanish, then I guess you will be fine.)

So, as if I have to say it, don’t move to LA! You shouldn’t stay in New York or San Francisco because it’s expensive. You should go to, like, Portland (although it rains) or Austin (because of SXSW) or Miami (because of Basel) or Atlanta (because it’s supposed to be nice?) or DC (because it’s central and stuff) (and it’s way cheap to fly from there). If you want to move to LA, maybe just move to San Diego. It’s right near Mexico and it’s like super affordable. There’s even like a giant park where you can drink wine! You can also go to Sea World! (But, if you are going to go there, don’t watch that Blackfish movie because it will make you sad.) The beach is also warm there, which is not in Los Angeles. Beaches there suck! Do NOT go to Malibu. It is far and cold and not cool. Like, not, not, not cool.

That’s what I think of LA. I might give it another year but I’ll probably move back once my lease is up but like they don’t make you renew your lease or raise your rent, which makes absolutely zero sense. How are things back in the city? I can’t believe it’s Winter and there isn’t snow! Miss you.


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